For the past few months, I’ve been thinking and praying, seeking to know, grasping to discover what to do with my life. I have somewhat of an idea; somewhat.
I have my passions. I have my friends and family that encourage me. I have my hobbies, my loves, those things in my life I can’t imagine doing without.
And so lately, I’ve been on this journey. It’s been somewhat subconscious, in the back of my head, and on those days where I’m home alone with my notebooks, my Bible, my phone, and computer, I can choose to either think, or be distracted.
Sometimes, I choose to think.
And those times are the ones where I grapple with my identity, God’s will for my life, what I feel called to do…and I just feel my head spinning.
So sometimes I half-humorously text my friends, “Hey, could you pray for me that I’d figure out what on earth to do with my life?”
And it’s sort of a joke, and sort of dead serious of me.
The other night, someone asked me, “Hey, how can I be praying for you this week?”
And I was so, so tempted to ask her to pray that God would show me exactly what to do with my future. Because as much as I can make plans, I don’t honestly know where I’m going.
But in that split second, God spoke to me, and said, “Amanda, I’m not going to show you the master plan for your life.”
And it clicked.
It’s not because God’s a secretive, cosmic and mysterious supreme being that has no interest in me other than playing with my mind and emotions.
It’s because He loves me ever so much that He won’t lay out my entire future for me all at once.
Does that seem like a sort of contradiction? I thought it did, at first, but then realized this:
Knowing what God has for me to do involves me trusting Him, day after day, that He’ll lead me to the right opportunities. It involves having a relationship with Him. It involves seeking Him daily to have Him show me what that right thing is for each day that comes to me.
As my friend said to me that night, life is an adventure. Sometimes it’s thrilling. Often, it’s terrifying. But part of the adventure is trusting that God will lead us to the right path for us, even if it seems we’re dangerously close to the edge.
I’ve stopped praying for God to magically reveal my future in front of my eyes, to drop a grand scheme blueprint in my lap for the rest of my life.
And instead…I’ve started out my days with committing it to Him, to asking Him to lead me to the right opportunities, and to give me wisdom in all my decision-making. That I’d look to His guidance for making choices, great and small.
And each night, I end my day whispering a prayer of, “God, today belonged to You. Thanks for giving it to me, thanks for being right here alongside me, thanks for allowing me to breathe another day and serve You.”
It’s so incredibly satisfying to live this way.
To not worry about what the future holds, but to be present; live each moment as it comes. To live fearlessly, run with passion, pursue excellence in the life I’m living right here and now.
Conclusions like this aren’t arrived at arbitrarily. They’re not made up. They come from the knowledge that look – this life isn’t about us.
And it’s not always about what we make of our years, but of how we spend our days.
Does life matter if we don’t love others?
Is there purpose if we’re pleasing only ourselves?
Can we be truly wise if we believe that we have all the answers already?
The weeks and months and years go on, and still I learn. I never plan on stopping. I want to learn…that life isn’t about me. That it’s about learning, it’s about the journey, that it’s about glorifying God right where I am, right now, and that love is so, so important in everything I do.
I don’t have life figured out. I promise. I don’t.
But will you take this journey with me? This adventure of a life, this quest to see the big picture? To learn how to live a thriving life, built on faith and every-day, little-moment living?
It’s not easy. It’s not always clear, figuring out what to do or where to go. But it’s honestly such a beautiful, freeing, breathlessly exhilarating sort of life that keeps you pressing on for more.
Haven’t got your life figured out? It’s alright. I haven’t either. And maybe…maybe that’s just the point.