“Who am I, really?” The piercing words echo in my head. I’ve known myself for almost fifteen years and I’m not always convinced that I know the true AJ.
Who am I, really?
People say I’m beautiful. But I don’t feel beautiful.
People say I’m smart. But I feel like a failure.
I know who I am.
I’m a sinner. I am broken in pieces that I could never fix. I’m not always loving, joyful, or peaceful. My words are not always patient, gentle, or kind. I am unfaithful. Good does not always define me. Self-control isn’t exactly one of my strong suits either.
Why am I like this?!
Welcome to Planet Earth. I’m human. I’m an ordinary citizen here, which means that I’m a sinner.
I look at myself in the mirror, and half the time, I don’t even recognize myself. Who is that girl? What makes her who she is?
I don’t want to live behind a mask, trying to be someone I’m not. “Because,” I’ve heard someone say, “the more you live behind the mask, the more the mask defines you.”
Wow. I don’t want to be living behind a mask. I don’t want the mask to define me! I don’t care what people think about the real Amanda, all that matters is that who I am is the real thing.
So what defines me? Who am I really? Well, there’s a dozen things I could think of…my guitar and piano, my surfboard, my blog, my bookshelf…you get the picture. But those things aren’t really who I am on the inside.
I am defined by The Cross.
What do I mean by that? Well, I’ve struggled with not letting my performance define who I am. It’s all fun and games until I get a C. Until I remember I *still* can’t play “that chord” on the guitar. Until I realize I just can’t catch the wave I’ve been trying to. I realize that I’ll never measure up on my own…and I forget who I really am.
I am defined by The Cross.
Because of what Jesus did at the cross, I am who I am. I am blameless in God’s sight.
I’ve fallen into the trap in my (actually pretty short) life of making achievement an addiction. When I can’t achieve “that thing,” I forget who I really am. I’m a child of God, because of The Cross.
Grace covers Amanda. The Cross has forgiven AJ. The love of God has been lavished on her.
Conditional things – popularity, beauty, money, talent – cannot define me. Because once I fail (which I do), then who am I? What makes me who I am? Popularity dies down. Beauty fades. Money gets wasted. Talent eventually fails too.
Just one thing will stand.
Who I really am.
I am a child of God.
I am pure in His eyes.
I have been counted blameless.
I am truly, 100% forgiven.
I am defined by The Cross.
*aj
Scattered Journal Pages 